Church ladies with typewriters! What a hoot!

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.   --------------------------         Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. --------------------------   The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. ‘The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.' --------------------------     Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. --------------------------     Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.   --------------------------     Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.   --------------------------     For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.   --------------------------     Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.   --------------------------     Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. --------------------------     A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..   --------------------------     At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. --------------------------     Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. --------------------------     Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.. --------------------------     The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. --------------------------     Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. --------------------------     The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. --------------------------     This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. --------------------------     The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.   --------------------------     Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. --------------------------     The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy. --------------------------     Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- And this one just about sums them all up   The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'  - from Isobel